do u think theres a butter planet?
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>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]