Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
You Might Also Like
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.