If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
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Me: algebra is a scam lmao
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
channeling her this year
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Yay it’s payday!
That was short lived.