@basic_afbitch

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

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@Fickle_Filly

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

@Pulse_NYC

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

@PaperWash

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

@larryandpaul

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

@GingerGander

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

@thegreatnanak

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

@LloBrow

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what