@Fickle_Filly If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
@basic_afbitch Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
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@Fickle_Filly 
@bonehugsnirony Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
@Pulse_NYC So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
@PaperWash When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
@tallentennant channeling her this year
@larryandpaul ⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
@GingerGander Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
@thegreatnanak I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
@LloBrow surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
@breeinthestee Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.