Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

Sharon, call the vet