Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
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“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly