Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

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If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.


Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no


So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.


When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.


⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.



Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.


I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.


surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what