Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Kids: Stay in school.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

I triple waxed for this?

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins