Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
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So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
classic mixup
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Put the is in disheveled
buys donuts instead
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]