2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
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Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.