30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
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Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.