ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
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[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Well well well…
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me