You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

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People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.


As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.


I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.


Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..


LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.


After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.


TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.


can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way


Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.