You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do