@JennyJohnsonHi5

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

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@TheTweetOfGod

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

@CYComedy

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

@Brianhopecomedy

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

@Boleyngirly

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

@Vice_Queen

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

@ilovepie84

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

@robdelaney

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

@RoxyTall

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

@kelkulus

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.