You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.