Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
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Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.