[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
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my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.