Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
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[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in