My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
secret recipe
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I want this so bad