My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
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The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.