What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
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my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian