My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
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7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.