If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
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[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.