If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
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Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
There’s never enough good news
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
What kind of a cult is this?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
the red hot silly peppers