For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
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“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Are we there yet?…
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Stop it! 😂
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?