Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
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*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I think the cat got the dog high.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”