Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
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“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
With this onion ring, I thee fed
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Oh. My. God.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco