That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
You Might Also Like
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
just make the entire table out of coaster
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally