Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
You Might Also Like
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The Wolf of Wall Street.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..