Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
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If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle