This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
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PLOT TWIST:
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.