When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
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No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?