Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
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octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer