Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
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ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.