Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
screw you
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.