love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
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Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.