13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
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If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
what’s really going on
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.