Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
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Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
getting corrected
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?