The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Well, that should do it
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.