My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
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Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Human are so complicated
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.