cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
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[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.