Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point