IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
You Might Also Like
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
thank god
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her