My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
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My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
This could be us but you eatin’
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Banking tips
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Room with a view.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh