This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*