I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
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“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
No laws when master is gone
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb