[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
“The Perfect Relationship”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
i guess his teacher was really pissed