I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
You Might Also Like
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.