Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
How can I say no to this ?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.