“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
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It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first