Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
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amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
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Me: Same.