Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
You Might Also Like
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang