Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
There’s never enough good news
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Every work meeting this week
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.