“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
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My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop