My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
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i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…