i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
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You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
HOW DARE YOU
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.