HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
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My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I just love that new Pope smell.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.