I just love that new Pope smell.
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that