what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
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ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳