I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
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My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Miscakes
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
This is not me but this is me
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries